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Jokes

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" --- by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta OKLAHOMA CITY, TULSA & BIGSBY , OKLAHOMA . Enjoy! Think they use these lines in Ky also.
1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? .....cuz ya sure are special.
3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Which one is the Marine? Click here

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit...... On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

When you are down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, Just remember: SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.

Do you know why it's so cold? Because almost every white person for 200+ years said, "It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President." Enjoy the weather.

US Navy Presidential Ceremonial Honor Guard Drill Team. Click here.

Those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Golf Shot of The Century. Click here

The World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE RECEIVING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama _____________________________________
OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING by Tiger Woods ___________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Michelle Obama, Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......... by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Panties... The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"! Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yrself up a bit.

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

A man is at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He begins with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third, he has just scored his first hole in one when his cell phone rings. It's a doctor, telling him that his wife had been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition at the emergency room. The man says he's golfing but will get there as soon as possible. He hangs up, considers what is shaping up to be his best-ever round of golf, and decides to get in a couple more holes. He ends up finishing all 18, shooting a personal best and shattering the club record by five strokes. He is jubilant, then remembers his wife. He dashes to the hospital, where the doctor is waiting in the corridor. "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?" the doctor shouts. "I hope you're proud! While you were out enjoying yourself, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you finished that round because it will probably be your last! For the rest of her life, she will require round-the-clock care, and you'll be her caregiver!" The man feels so guilty, he breaks down in sobs. The doctor grins and says, "Just kidding. She died two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A pissed off cat. Click here.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black Hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious." 15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Hitler Finds Out Scott Brown Won Massachusetts . Click here

 

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Senior Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants And Viagra today than on Alzheimer's re search. This means that by 2040, There should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge Erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."